Redefining the better halves

We've heard of the phrase 'married to the job' from many disgruntled housewives. Hear this one now. Is the 'office spouse' phenomenon a mean between the live-in relationship and the office affair? Dr Sharita Shah, consultant woman and child psychiatrist with the city's leading hospitals, tells us more about this well-known but lesser talked about secret. Read on to know if you're already in such a relationship, and haven't realised.

Defining an office spouse

An office spouse is a co-worker with whom one has a very close but non-romantic relation. This co-worker (usually of the opposite sex) is one with whom there exists bonds similar to those in a marriage such as: confidence, loyalties, shared jokes and experiences and a comfortable degree of openness. This individual is one who, over time, starts caring for you, whom you start depending upon and begin confiding in.

The starting point

It only takes a natural situation - like a new colleague settling into a desk next to you – for such a bond to be born. However, the relationship starts thriving when one's actual spouse or boy/girlfriend is unable to understand the nuances of the workplace. And even though we're fighting shy of admitting this, but such relationships are on the rise. Of course, one cannot rule out that some of them are non-platonic, but that's a personal choice individuals make and at times the boundaries can blur.

A CNN Money article characterises this relationship as having the immediate intimacy of marriage, 'without sex or commitment' and cites a report suggesting that such relationships may not only make you happier with your job but may even improve your chances for promotions and raises.

Crossing the Line: Is it possible to keep it platonic?

The office spouse often becomes the one who you see every day and spend more waking time with than with your actual spouse. While it is not unusual for the relationship to contain elements of flirtation, it can be 'threatened' rather than enhanced, if it becomes sexual. But as we mentioned earlier, there can only be a thin line between an office spouse and a full fledged affair.

Reflection on your home spouse

In our age of cellphones, you often end up talking more to your office spouse through SMS than actually talking to your real spouse. It is here that maintaining the office relationship can be tricky, even if it is healthy and platonic. Even a completely clean office relationship can prove to be detrimental to marriages. Your office spouse can unknowingly destabilise matters at home, as he/she likely knows a few things about you that your marriage spouse may not. However, when managed properly, these can be perfect relationships too. After all, there is no washing-up to squabble over and many common enemies to unite against!

So, does it work?

Unlike real marriages, there is a greater risk of separation with your office spouse. He/she may jump jobs or get fired. Although the friendship endures, the relationship can never be the same. However, with changing attitudes in work environment, the phenomenon of an office spouse is here to stay.

A more important factor to think about is whether our desi culture is willing to openly acknowledge it's existence or, like live-in relationships, still be ambivalent about them. Unlike live-ins though, this phenomenon is prevalent in most workplaces – it is only that you haven't realised you're into one yet.

(Dr Sharita K. Shah [MD, DNB, DPM, MNAMS] is a consultant woman & child psychiatrist, Bhatia Hospital, Harkisandas Hospital, Dr L H Hiranandani Hospital and Saifee Hospital)

 Birth of the office spouse

The phrase 'office spouse' gained acceptance after the 'most powerful woman in the world' (and probably the most stressed too) US National security advisor Condoleeza Rice referred to President Bush as "my husb," at a dinner party. Since then, the Americans did what they do best: undertook surveys and find out new kinds of relationship-phenomenons. However, an interesting stat which came out of this was that 32 per cent of American workers (in 2006) admitted to having an 'office husband' or an 'office wife'. Marital status didn't seem to matter. Singles and married people reported to having an office spouse at the same rate.

 Making the 'office marriage' work

• Restrict the relationship strictly to office hours, do not stretch it beyond work into weekends. Though it doesn't mean you don't be friends

• If you feel your real spouse doesn't deserve losing sleep over this, strive to keep the office relationship completely professional and avoid even discussing personal issues. Also, keep your real spouse in the loop

• Don't flaunt your relationship, especially if you lounge around outside work

• Make sure you spend time with other people at work, not just your 'other' half

• Be aware that other people may assume favouritism and will almost certainly gossip behind your back.